Breakdown

 What a silly girl!💔

You are tamed and still wary of the judgments of the world.

You are corrupted by the thoughts that others moralize for the world.

You run by their guilt, you run by their meaning of love and hate, friends or enemy.

You are unable to express all that love when your man is standing in front of you and when he disappears as you wrote in your code of thoughts and laid out for him to follow, you yearn for his love. His eternal never-ending, strong, and sensitive love.

You are so silly, girl. You have forgotten yourself as you write this passage. You are wanting to drop back to 2017 when you had not seen the true world and true people.

How much they can make you fall in love, how deep it gets, and how habitual it makes you, more than sugar, more than salt.

You wish he would read all of this and fall back into your arms and hope or dream that he will forget his damaged self-esteem and respect that he shed while trying to love you the best he could...You wish he'd forget all those episodes you ruined him, his spirit, his love, like that and you hope he would still, he would still yes, still..somehow, love you and you'll love him good, this time...who knows, you are so confused and corrupted, you can't believe in your own damn self. You stupid dumb girl. Wish you were just dumb and not just right about it...

Well, who knows how I feel is really different than this...but right now ....impulsive 'Bebe'... These thoughts seem like they are mine and sometimes, not mine. Thoughts are like news in my head, sometimes they make total sense, and sometimes it's just silly or manipulated, as this blog...

Words, mere words that I type...hold no value..zero, I could erase all of this and it wouldn't even participate in the butterfly effect, so useless...is my worth and words as I write this...The one who can add value to it shouldn't see this else it will make it difficult for him to forget this...He'd trust my dumb confused ass ...and who knows it will leave him damaged again, I love that person I think, I'd like to believe...I don't know what love is. Hence I cant follow it...I follow talking and talking to him but I am not joyful all time so I think is it love or not? the world is making me feel like it's not but in my mind I...I can't do anything without his happy presence anymore..he's left me mentally and emotionally handicapped..he was an is a part of my heart. DO I love him? am I manipulated by the world that it has to be 'something; like ' this and that' ?..Anyway...To anguish my agony, my hatred for myself, my self damaged heart, my wrecked faith in my own choices, and my never-ending trials to reach the perfection syndrome. I hate myself. I don't even have a solid reason why I do just anything and I am not happy with myself.

What's missing, what's cooking in my mind. Because if I see the variable in the out, all is great. All is fine. What's wrong with my brain, I wish I was an animal...I wish I didn't have a language. I would not think then...Just feel. Words and language manipulate the brain...it takes it to places it was never meant to trail in the first place...I wish I had either, a talent to express it all. The fact that I have no self-control anymore, No discipline, no purpose, no strength, no ideas, I fear having courage, I am a coward...I am a total coward. It takes a strong head and heart to love to accomplish a task and execute a belief. I can't even wake up in the early morning without a job. I am reckless and like an animal...with a language and hence it shows in my life...an animal like living with a language to make it worse.

How much can a silly girl hate herself...

and why?

Does she love him or with an illusion of the idea of love fascinate her?

Can she really be in solitude?

Is she just a vacant person with fake super-impressions?

Is she dumb? 

is she true?

Will reading this make him manipulate his decision and hold back his sick girl and engross with her nuisances again...?

Will it kill him first or heal her first?

22:46

19/10/2020